Against the prevailing common sense we are a family of six: four children, two adults. Walking through the mall with Asier strapped to my chest and holding the hand of Javier while keeping an eye on Jaimito and Olaia, I get looks of disbelief and ocasionally blatant disapproval. To those who are atleast curious to understand how it is that we desired 4 instead of 1 and half or two I endulge with an explanation. 

Before you think we are fabulously wealthy and kids are an extension of our wealth, let me assure you you got it backwards. We got the kids and do live richly but we are still working on actual monetary wealth.  

I am also not unaware of the current dogma or social expectations. I witness as you do the pressure is for women to marry, couples to have children one or two. A BIG family is that made up of three children. Four! Four is insanity at its best and among the more critical: irresponsible. Our houses need be perfect. I also hear loud and clear that if you are smart and succesful the fancy car and beach house are in order.

Happiness is understood to be perfection, success: wealth, peace: absence of struggle. Perfection has a young face, hip warddrobe, and a magazine ready home. If we agree that life and humans are imperfect, then the afore mentioned "common sense" is unattainable. We are left looking at our imperfect lives with disdain. It is a great recipe for rampant depression and hopelessness.  Is that a Zoloft or Paxil commercial I see, yes the purple pill for my blues. 

Whatever happened to the idea of growing old together. "Together" is old fashioned, commitment is rarely understood. The growing absence of trust and commitment leaves most of us feeling vulnerable. The solution I hear is anxiety medication. As for growing old, cosmetic surgery will do the trick and now it comes with a more convenient price and combo deals if you wish: Facelift with eyelid tuck and liposuction for 30% off the sticker price.  There are pills and technology to serve as proxies for our underdeveloped humanity.

We wanted to have a "larger family" because we believe through the rearing of a family we will have plenty of opportunity to discuss and practice with our children the values we hold dear. In growing up and being at home we hope to give our children the tools and the practice they would need to survive and succeed in a complex world.

Commitment, empathy, tolerance, forgiveness, sharing, giving of self and solidarity are all discussed on a daily basis -perhaps not in such fancy terms but the examples and moments to see these values in play abound. Younger siblings wanting what the older has, is an opportunity to talk about sharing, patience and rising above the knee jerk reaction "No, I had it first." 

Negotiations take place or a change in plans in order to keep play time going. If there is fighting over a toy and negotiations fail, then the toy is lost to both parties. Now they have to change their focus in order to have fun. "No toys" is an invitation to use their imagination and excercise their brains I tell them.

These days we "demand tolerance" and understand it not.  The way I see it tolerance comes from empathy and empathy is a muscle that needs to be flexed. When our circle of interaction is limited to those we choose to accomodate at our convenience, this muscle has a natural tendency to become atrophied.   In a family of six (for a few months there we were seven -see picture below with our borrowed older daughter and three older kids) we cannot live in a vacuum.  Children have plenty of opportunities to think about each other.

If this talk of values has made our life seem carefully planned and under control, beware there is chaos. I do not mean my house is messy – though 80% of the time mess is just glance away -, I do mean the chaos of ocasional tempers flying, tension in the air. But, there is also cartoon days and knock, knock that barely make sense.  We all learn to cope with feelings, our own and other’s. 

I can tell you why I wanted a "large family" I will have to wait to see how we fared. Wait and see if my children will grow and have the confidence in their abilities to shoulder their part of the plan to make this a better place. Neither failure or chaos should scare them, much less keep them from dreaming and making their way. Their strength and borne from knowing they are loved and they have a mission.  I am loving everyday but cannot help and wish we could have a sneak peak to the future.