One of the wonderful pluses to having kids: a party is always around the corner. I truly enjoy celebrating holidays and now that I have my own brood it is just blissful. I know I get cranky and tense as I prepare meals, especially any baked portion, but aside from the baking anxiety I love every moment.

This Valentine’s Day began a few days earlier when Jim let me know I was getting a spa treatment as a gift. I choose to have a pedicure – it should be coming soon. Olaia had a school project that required her to create a valentines for a classmate. She and I sat down at the dining room table with scissors and construction paper to plan out our Valentines. I made one for Jim and gave her ideas for hers.

She followed my lead and we created cards that had three layers folded back and forth and were able to stand revealing all three layers in steps. We put hearts overstepping the edge of each folded layer. I wrote: My dearest Jim you make my heart skip when I’m with you. She wrote: Querida Estefania,Alegras me corazon cuando me haces reir.

The night before Jim and I watched the Alton Brown-s show on the Food Channel and Jim confessed he was drooling craving the taste of chocolate. So chocolate was now on the menu for Valentine’s Day. I made tiny chocolate  torts for dessert.

For some reason this Valentines I just wanted to do fish pies. A strange urge I admit, but who can explain the affairs of the heart. I prepared my dough and cooked some fish, put it together in the oven and voilá! Ok, so the chocolate tortlets were the best part of dinner, but I do enjoy sometimes just cooking something out of the ordinary that captures my fancy.

Last year it was lithuanian style potato/veggie pancakes with apple sauce and sour cream toppings. Before that I have gone for oven roasted lamb and other unusual dishes. They don’t always turn out perfectly but what is life without risk. Passion is not perfect it is messsy,  full of risk and requires openness to surprises.

Jaimito waited all day on Tuesday for the time when I would bake a cake. I looked everywhere for a heart shaped cake mold but found zilch. But before any baking began, Jaimito worked on his Valentine day cards. He made cards for Olaia, for Daddy and one for the rest of us…Mami and Javier. Oh, and he made a Valentine’s day card for himself.  

This year, because Valentines fell on a Tuesday Jim went to his prison ministry and spread the love and cheer. Kids ate early and later I ate with Jim.  For me, it was just a long day of preparation, anticipation and happy wonderful celebration.

I just love celebrating life and love!

It is hard to believe it has now been seven years since we first moved into our house. I remember loving its location and Jim saying it was the only suburb where he had felt a familiar connection a certain " I could live here … wake up in the morning early go outside and across the street work out on the park, after work go out to play in the park with the kids." The place evoked us going outside and being active and we liked it. In fact, living here has lived up to that first impression. In a way it is like it was in the Basque Country, tiny living space makes it uncomfortable enough to want to spill out of your house to live outside in the company of other people, your neighbors who may become your friends. But regardless of who you choose to make your friends the truth of the matter is that everybody in the neighborhood ends up knowing who you are because they see you everyday or atleast every week for the past three hundred sixty weeks.

I can still remember the shock of moving from a nice 1200 sq. ft. apartment for two in Oakland to a 500 sq.ft. apartment in Renteria. We were so grateful to our hosts but wondered how could people live in such tiny spaces for so many years. "Why, there is barely any room to put clothes, what about the rest of the things you accumulate?" Our American ways could not comprehend such a drastically different paradigm for living. We had barely begun a life together and were living in the apartment of a recently deceased elderly couple . In two years of marraige we already had spill over boxes of stuff outside the aparment in the floor of the inner courtyard where people shook out their table cloths and rugs and hung their laundry.

Over the course of the couple of years we realized a transformation coming about. Every opportunity to buy, get, save, accumulate would go through the heavy filters: do we have space for it? do we absolutely need it? will we pay to take it with us? can we save it some other wayby taking pictures or writing about it? At the same time, hanging at home watching tv was almost painful in the Basque Country. The TV programming was awful and after a few hours in the living room the walls seem to cave in, searching for deep breathes and space we were compelled to leave the apartment. Being out led to being seen and talking to strangers that soon became neighbors and later became friends. Life was good.

When we bought our house, we knew it was small and increasingly feel small as our family grew. But we now valued living small and knew that though painful it would serve us well. Well I am now at that pain point. Seven years and three children later we do not fit. I have to let go of something. Over the past few years our sentimental instincts had us saving baby toys, baby clothes, car seats, strollers and the like, saving for the next baby. Saving and recycling hand me downs felt good as we avoided being consumed by the western push to buy, discard and consume again. But even if we been less consumers of new goods we still have accumulated so much and our tiny house is woefully short on storage thus forcing me to this moment.

I am not sure if it is the anthropologist in me *that sounds so fancy* or if it just the sentimental packrat in me but I have this old world compulsion to want to hand down to other generationsof family some of our precious things. Many are precious not so much for their market value but for the fact that they were chosen and worn for baby that was so loved and adored that the item itself has come to carry the sentiment. Alas, we cannot save it all so I am today applying the critical analysis:

Is Javier, our third child, to be our last? I cannot say I wish it so. My husband and I do enjoy children and parenting so much. Strangers on the street ask us if we are "closing shop." I reply "we have not shut any manufactuing lines down, we are just not putting in orders for now." We always knew we wanted atleast three children. It was always "and perhaps four", "perhaps." What does perhaps mean? It has been this mental marker. I planned and held on to things because we were sure we wanted three, now I am in the realm of Perhaps. If it were to happen what will I keep for "Perhaps"? Well, for starters I cannot save all of this I see before me for the chance I may need it. I now need to plan the space for elementary school books and longer dresses and pants. I have come to accept that if number four were to happen the biggest thing we are saving is the joy and love we have and wont go away. If number four comes, it will be a joyous return to early childhood parenting, but the time and context will be another. The family demands a new use of space and it is into that family that any future "Perhaps" will have to fit.

So today, I have come to terms with what Perhaps will need, so long as it is a construct we hold. As I look around I have my camera in hand, laptop on lap and am ready to ask: How special is this article? Is it is in good enough shape to save for another 10 or 20 years? Is it a classic that will age well in 10 or 20 years? Can I bear to part with it and not have it around for Perhaps? For memorable items that do not make it past the 10-20 years question I have pictures and brief stories. To ease the transition I also remind myself that just as I enjoyed recycling hand-me downs, these beloved articles of clothing will now go to clothe another baby and part of our love will be added to that new bunddle of joy.

These outfits were colorful children’s clothes that were gender neutral and worn by all three: Olaia, Jaimito and Javier. They were my battleground ready for anything adventure clothes. Their use was primarily around the house crawling around in our concrete tiled floor.  Their whites stopped being white a long time ago but as the white became grays they became dearer peices of wardrobe. Clothes that begged no special care and enabled carefree times are clothes that become embedded with memories of a happy baby-hood.

In the summer of 2002 my side of the family went on a trip to the Virgin Islands. While we were there my Dad bought this cotton onesie for Jaimito.  I thought it was funny and colorful and I enjoyed putting it on him… he reminded me of a little beach bum, calling me to take a break and enjoy myself.

My parents went to Italy after my younger brother’s wedding in Bamberg. This t-shirt was given to Jaimito as a memento.

These outfits made us smile whenever they were worn by Jaimito or Javier. Oftentimes, the boys became the ice-breakers as the evenings conversations among familiar faces that don’t see each other that often were opened by "He looks so handsome, he is such a little gentleman."

I bought these two smartly designed onepeice suits for Jaimito in before we went on the family cruise to celebrate my Mom’s 60th birthday.  My favorite part of them was the single zipper back contrasted by the layered formal front. Jaimito wore the one with the blue vest to the formal dining evenings at the Constallation Cruise. Poor little man, he was sick and sniffely but looked so gentile.  Javier barely got around to wearing them because I guess we did not go out as much with him. Javier wore the green outfit to church a couple of times and the blue vest once while he was in Michigan during the winter of 2005.

The red and black vest was worn by Jaimito in a trip to Michigan in Winter 2002. The party was at Arleen’s house and the whole extended Kotarski family was there.  Jaimito looked so cute with his long sleeve button down white shirt, his black bow tie and fancy black pants. He later wore the same ensemble for the new year celebration on the Cruise.  But that night in Michigan, Jaimito got his shirt wet, I cant remember how, but he ended up wearing only the vest and no shirt.  It was a funny site.

Jim, my dear husband and best friend, has always had a love for froggies.  They are a sweet memory of his childhood. He had a stuffed froggy and who knows what else, but everyone in his family knows he likes froggies. Growing up his brother Sean and he drew endless stories about mutant froggies… their creative spin-off of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  So our kids got froggies when they were little because that was the inherited theme.  

 Duckies were added to the beloved animal theme by chance. We once received a "duckie-butt" pajama and then a duckie towel and duckies have been a darling for us since.

My years of academic debate over nature vs nurture, over social engineering and a new feminist agenda had me predisposed against boys in blue and girls in pink. Nonetheless, as a mom I was also not about to give up everything blue nor everything pink just because it corresponded with the prescribed socialization of our children. Many of these outfits survived my initial severe but brief judgement "ugh another example of if its a boy it has to be blue." I kept my contemptful-self at bay, by giving more ample reigns to my sincere joy and gratitude to at receiving the gift.

I consider it an honor to partake in the ritual of gift-giving, a ritual that has celebrated and reinforced the binds between individuals and families. Apathy and the growing geographical distance between friends and family erode at this ancient ritual and as privacy is valued over neighbors and independence over interdependence I see a lonely sad unsocialized trend I do not want to bequeath my children. So putting a greater value on the importance of diversity of experience, appreciation and thought, I welcomed these cute clothes in and embraced making them part of the fabric of our boys toddlerhood.

My parents gave these blue outfits to Javier. I used to think of them as my princely blue outfits. They were made out of linnen and I found them to be classically elegant. Amidst the many baby clothes that focus on contemporary children patterns or adult fashion for babies these peices spoke to me of fabrics fashionable throughout many a past generation adapted slightly to these modern times by being fashioned into jumpsuits. Javier wore them to church often. I enjoyed dressing him in them because I felt his infant days were prolonged in these Petit Prince outfits.

This beautiful blue cotton outfit was given to Jaimito by his godparents. Aside from the blue, when I first saw it I marvelled at the cuteness of the duckies playing hide and seek. Duckies did not overrun the ensemble they were fuzzy cute embroidered accents, playful and creative. This was a two peice set of heavy ribbed cotton that could have well have lasted being used by 4 more little boys. Because it was heavy cotton, had a jacket, and was so cute, Jaimito wore it on his first airplane trip to visit his Grandparents in St. Louis during the winter of 2002. Mama Weez adn Papa Jim first held Jaimito in these adorable clothes. Javier also used this outfit on his first trip to St. Louis, but being a month older at the time of wearing it was a bit short on him and left his bottom legs exposed to the cold air of winter in 2005. Javier traveled that year with larger jumpsuit with footsies but kept the duckie ribbed blue vest for cuteness, warmth and sentimental reasons.

I believe it was family friends in Killeen Texas who sent this outfit to Jaimito upon hearing of his birth. If it was not given to us by the Cumba or Rosa family it might have come from my Mom’s cousin in Virginia. Unfortunately I sometimes loose track of these details but I do know it came from afar and that made it all the more special. I loved using it because the fabric was really light cotton. It had a cute frog prince patch on the chest and racing stripes down the side of the pant legs. Both Jaimito and Javier used it and looked like big little toddlers. It was a good outfit to go out to restaurants and visit friends and family because it was light and covered their knees when crawling around on hard tile floors of the tropics.